Flash Fictions
Death and Her Substitute
At a junior college in South central Kansas there is an introductory course taught by Death. The course, Basics in Animal Husbandry, is transferable to most major Universities, except for a few small liberal arts colleges who are skeptical of Death's academic qualifications. At least once, but usually two or three times, during every semester, Death would be absent from class. In her place was always the same man, who simply announced himself as Death's Substitute. He spoke with a strong southern accent, was very overweight, and told stories about his wacky shopping mishaps at discount stores to highlight his lessons. The next day Death would be back in class, excusing her absence because of some cold or flu. Then the class would laugh, to which Death would respond with a slight smile, because we had all seen the mornings news about some plane crash or earthquake, and knew what she'd really been up to.
Ejaculation
The blizzard didn't make me blind. Snow and the swirling wind are only in the minds of children, or at least that's what the biopsy indicated. It's the sun and all its crazy antics that burned my retinas into bacony crisps. You see, because I don't, not anymore, the sun plays tricks in the winter. Sometimes it gets bored with the cold and cloudy days of late December and decides to ham it up with its best friends, the heat and a few unrelated plumbing tools. When a winter storm comes in from the north, during the height of its ice dropping power, the sun and friends create a series of fun-loving, yet awfully dangerous practical jokes. So, when you're fumbling around through a white haze of freezing rain, and you unexpectedly come across a warm fire, and a plunger or pipe wrench with which to build a shelter or fix an annoying sewage problem, run away as fast as fast is away. Because if you stick around to heat your cold-numbed appendages, the sun will burst through the clouds with a cartoony demonic laugh and bake your eyeballs. I know they think they're just being funny, but eyesight is an important part of a nutritious breakfast, and besides we have ways of imploding small stars.
Raising rabbits is not easy. No, no it's really not. If you get scared, e-mail me and I'll calm you down. Things being what things being.
