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Unbalanced Breakfast

New Years Eve Party Special 2002

HisCheapMoves: I should tell the audience that we've been slaving long and hard for like, the last five minutes, to put together the awesomest Unbalaced Breakfast New Year's Eve Party this side of Verdana 10pt.

kittydeathstar: How wild and crazy it is!

HisCheapMoves:

Image - Champagne
Tink tink!
We've invited everyone we can, and some will actually show up. I hear.

kittydeathstar: I only hear the clink of martini glasses......

HisCheapMoves: There will games, prizes, sloppy drunken makeout sessions with the UB groupie and... Oh!

kittydeathstar: *chortle*

HisCheapMoves: Someone is at the door.

kittydeathstar: I wonder who it could be?

HisCheapMoves: It looks like columns.ink19.com contributor Chill Gribbröek.

Chill Gribbröek: yo

kittydeathstar: This is a thrill! See him in, fix him a drink!

HisCheapMoves: I'll bring out the tray of Flaming Buttocks, I'll give out the recipe later if you remind me.

kittydeathstar: Will do....

HisCheapMoves: Another guest!

kittydeathstar: Things are starting to heat up!

HisCheapMoves: Here, have one of these Flaming Buttocks. It'll put you in the right mood.

Twotoneboy:

Image - Lott
I'm a sax fiend. Wait
Like a cross in Trent Lott's front yard!

kittydeathstar: Rimshot!

Twotoneboy: Mmmm... Flaming Buttocks...

Chill Gribbröek: Girlie drinx for me

HisCheapMoves: You know, every time I see his name in the headline, the riff from "Whole Lotta Love" starts up. Just thought I'd share that.

Twotoneboy: Wouldn't that be "Whole Lott-A Hate"?

kittydeathstar: How about a Chocolate Choo Choo, Chill Gribbröek?

Chill Gribbröek:

Image - Kids In The Hall
get some clothes on.
Gawd, that's my favorite Kids/Hall skit

kittydeathstar: Score!

Twotoneboy: Is that the one where Scott is gay? Oh wait, that's ALL of them.

HisCheapMoves: Since this is a New Year's sort of party, I thought we should take some time to look back and share our Best Ofs for 2002, maybe followed by some proxy New Year's resolution for this years' media winners.

Chill Gribbröek: Star Wars sucked this past year or so; LOTR took up a lotta the slack

HisCheapMoves: Best Sign Britney's Over has to be Pepsi dropping her.

Twotoneboy: Pepsi dropped her, Justin dropped her, her restaurant dropped... If her boobs drop, too, she's REALLY had it

Chill Gribbröek: She stole Ms. Piggy's act anyway. We got this picture of Ms. Piggy at the comic shop and when you look at it just right it looks like Britney.

kittydeathstar: Cha-ching!

Twotoneboy:

Image - Britney Finger
Britney
Her and Christina are both headed to that special place where Tiffany and Debbie Gibson live now. It's called "the welfare line." You know, at least Tiffany and Debbie got mentioned in Mojo Nixon songs. Britney and Christina didn't even merit that.

Chill Gribbröek: Good call.

Twotoneboy: Best Corey Feldman wanna-be of 2002: Justin Timberlake. Because Corey wanted to be Michael Jackson, too. Worst Michael Jackson impersonator of 2002: Michael Jackson.

Chill Gribbröek: I think Corey actually wanted to be Corey wanting to be Michael. The Back Booth had a memo sent by Corey's personal assistant, very explicit.

Twotoneboy: I'd rather see "The Truffle Shuffle" than Corey moonwalking. Or MJ, for that matter

HisCheapMoves: I think MJ should generally be disqualified.

kittydeathstar: Man, but the whole nose drama... compelling photojournalism... It looked like those little pieces of bread you'd throw to the fish when you were little...

HisCheapMoves: It's all progressing to his Final Look, Grinning White Skull.

Chill Gribbröek:

Image - Anna Nicole Smith
it subsists on krill and zooplankton.
Osbournes/Anna Nicole?

kittydeathstar: Both were valid reasons to pull an Elvis on your television...

HisCheapMoves: Bad juju.

kittydeathstar: When I left for London in January, Ozzy was a metal legend, when I came back in April, he was a household name... for not being able to operate a TV remote control. They killed him, those MTV douchebags......

Twotoneboy: Ozzy wins "Best Say No To Drugs Commercial of 2002." Anna Nicole wins "Best 'Kids, Stay in School' PSA of 2002."

HisCheapMoves: Oh man, I don't know about that. She seems to be doing pretty well.

Twotoneboy: Nobody could watch Anna Nicole and want the world to perceive them as THAT stupid. Not even for the money. And besides, who wants to sleep with a fossil to get the money in the first place?

HisCheapMoves: The whole thing was so Hollywood.

kittydeathstar: People I know who LOVE being mean, who LOVE to take pleasure in the misfortune of others, avoid that show -- too easy pickins....

Chill Gribbröek: And now a holiday word from our sponsor: sherm.20megsfree.com/burgerking.swf

Twotoneboy: Best New TV Show That Nobody Watched Because It Was Stuck In A Lousy Timeslot With No Promotion of 2002: Firefly. Thanks a lot, Fox!

Chill Gribbröek: 2002 bummer: January 3rd... Esquivel dies

Twotoneboy: That was but the first of many 2002 bummers. Besides, under the spectre of "Homeland Security," you've almost gotta wonder if the dead aren't better off than the living...

HisCheapMoves:

Image - Cage Presley
Good thing the old man's gone.
Best Marriage Stunt: The Cage/Presley union, over so fast you could hear the doppler.

Chill Gribbröek: The Liza Minelli marriage... with Liz Taylor and Jacko as bride of horror and worst man

kittydeathstar: Best reason to not hate Sundays -- Mission Hill and Home Movies back to back on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim...

Chill Gribbröek: New episodes of Ripping Friends

kittydeathstar: Moby trying to throw down with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog... or was that Eminem? I'm so bad at this.

Twotoneboy: That was Eminem. And he tried to throw down with Moby, too. Then someone else actually literally tried to throw down with Moby a couple of weeks ago.

HisCheapMoves: Steven Spielberg Presents of 2002: Taken

Twotoneboy: I hear it was great but I just don't have 20 hours to spare right now. I will check it out on DVD.

HisCheapMoves: I skimmed through it. The hardest thing to believe was that a single mother could earn a comfortable living as a rock drummer in Seattle.

kittydeathstar:

Image - Axl Rose
Waiter! Dos mas microfonos!
Bloody But Not Unbowed: Axl Rose

Twotoneboy: Axl should hang out with MJ in the "we're over" room. He can't even finish a tour. He's lost what little sanity he had.

kittydeathstar: Those savages didn't deserve a show anyway...

HisCheapMoves: Uh oh. Help me move the drinks, Chill.

kittydeathstar: Axl will come out of it smelling like roses....

Twotoneboy: What? A show from a fat, bloated drug addict, a leftover Mat, and a guy with a bucket of chicken on his head? That's not a show, it's visitor's day at the psych ward.

kittydeathstar: Ain't it a grand and glorious feeling?

Twotoneboy: With Brad Pitt chanting "that's not why you're here."

HisCheapMoves: Hey, sign me up for that visitor's day thing.

kittydeathstar: I got chills too....

Twotoneboy: In fact, fuck records, Axl should just let Terry Gilliam make a movie about him.

HisCheapMoves: I cast David Lee Roth as Axl.

Twotoneboy: I'd pony up my $7 for that.

kittydeathstar: Axl has better hair.

HisCheapMoves: DLR can get a better wig.

Twotoneboy:

Image - Joe Strummer
Joe Strummer
Best "God, What a Shitty Christmas Present": Joe Strummer dying two days before Christmas

Chill Gribbröek: Best News Source 2002: Daily Fuckin' Show

Twotoneboy: Too right, Chill. Only sitcom I'll watch in 2003: Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's upcoming deal on NBC.

kittydeathstar: Most surreal Pundit Moment -- Mo Rocca on Phil Donahue's Friday panel...

HisCheapMoves: The Daily show and The Onion are the only untainted sources of news and opinion in America.

Twotoneboy: Even more surreal: Mo Rocca on VH1's "I Love the '80s." He had no bow tie!

kittydeathstar: Rocca and Colbert are gods among men.

Twotoneboy: Actually, Al Gore on SNL may have been even more surreal than that...

Chill Gribbröek: Surreal yes... funny no.

kittydeathstar: That West Wing thing? C'mon....

HisCheapMoves: That was funny.

Chill Gribbröek: Well, funny-strange... not funny-haha

HisCheapMoves: Whistling-in-the-graveyard funny.

Twotoneboy: The West Wing thing wasn't funny. But Gore as Trent Lott was comedy gold.

kittydeathstar: Al Gore did a lot of awesome shit this autumn... the sniping at Fox News, beating down Hannity and Colmes...

Twotoneboy: See, if Al Gore could do all that shit AND be President, he'd get my vote. But he'll never be that honest as a politician. SNL should have set off bells and whistles and ten foot high fireworks spelling out the words "I'm not running."

Chill Gribbröek: Carlin on Clinton...

kittydeathstar: Care to recap?

Chill Gribbröek: Americans know their poiticians are fullashit. Clinton at least let you know he was fullashit. His b.s. was pretty much out in the open where you can get a good size whiff of it, whereas most politicians are a facade

Twotoneboy: True. The Bush B.S. is hidden behind "homeland security" and "the Patriot act." Don't question Big Brother, Big Brother is watching you.

kittydeathstar: Careful... I don't feel like committing "suicide" in a hotel room anytime soon...

Chill Gribbröek: Plane crash... no wife... no one to pick up torch...

HisCheapMoves: Clinton had his "suicides" too.

Twotoneboy: Clinton didn't round up people and lock them away for months with no charges.

Chill Gribbröek: Dennis Bagley: it is we who watch it [big brother]

Twotoneboy: In fact, I'll go on record as saying the "Republican Revolution" is 2002's best reason to look into moving to Canada.

Chill Gribbröek: They'll catch up with you in America Jr.

kittydeathstar: Ouch!

Twotoneboy: Maybe I'll just go on Survivor and stay wherever they drop me.

kittydeathstar: Back to 2002: Suicide's American Supreme -- oh mannnnnn

Chill Gribbröek: 2002: Spider-Man -- good stuff

kittydeathstar: Except for that suckass Green Goblin outfit...

Twotoneboy: As much as I loved Spider-Man, The Two Towers blows it away.

HisCheapMoves: I agree.

Twotoneboy: The Two Towers might be my favorite movie ever. It is the Empire to Fellowship of the Ring's Star Wars. Except better.

Chill Gribbröek: Hey man... Defoe really tore that part up. Best green villain in a movie since the Wicked Witch.

kittydeathstar: I agree, but too bad you couldn't see his facial expressions during pivotal moments!

Twotoneboy: Monkey, take that back. You forget The Grinch in the original animated How The Grinch Stole Christmas.

Chill Gribbröek: I don't remember kids hiding under movie seats during Grinch.

Twotoneboy: Actually, I don't think Grinch was theatrical, now that I think of it.

HisCheapMoves: Maybe they hid under the couch.

kittydeathstar: Best Movie That No One Saw: Comedian - - Jerry Seinfeld tore shit up....

Twotoneboy: I saw the trailer for Comedian. Brilliant. "In a world..." Total rip-off of Janeane Garofalo's act, but in a good way.

kittydeathstar: And then there's Larry David, of course......

Twotoneboy: Bah. That's not TV, it's HBO. And I already pay too much for cable.

kittydeathstar: ...fighting a Nativity Scene Joseph on his front lawn...... ACE!

Twotoneboy: Is there really programming on HBO that justifies spending the extra money? I find The Sopranos and Sex and the City nothing but massive overhype.

HisCheapMoves: That's the slippery slope to ordering your cable cancelled there.

kittydeathstar: They both suck - - it's all about Curb Your Enthusiasm. It's carrying that network

Twotoneboy: Oh, I'll keep cable: it brings me The Daily Show, hockey, and educational programming for my kid.

kittydeathstar: So Larry David gets the "Gavin McCleod Memorial Award for Cool Sideburns" 2002

HisCheapMoves: Oh yes.

Twotoneboy: I just don't see the need to spend more money for HBO to show movies and overhyped "original" programming. Now, if they were to pick up Firefly, I'd subscribe.

HisCheapMoves: Best TV Haircut would be...?

kittydeathstar: Best? Hmm...

Twotoneboy: Carrot Top.

HisCheapMoves: Best Collect Service Rivalry: Carrot Top (ATT) vs. Mr. T (1-800-COLLECT)

kittydeathstar: Ric Flair's eternal white-blond mane! WOOOO!

Twotoneboy: Don't forget ALF and Hollywood Hulk Hogan for 10-10-220

kittydeathstar: I try to every day.

Twotoneboy: Where they appear alongside 2002's Best "Oh, just come out of the closet already," Mike Piazza. They should give ALF and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog a show together. Now THAT'S comedy gold. I think ALF ate the family he used to live with.

HisCheapMoves: How about some New Years' resolutions?

Twotoneboy: I resolve to actually write reviews in 2002. Or '03.

Chill Gribbröek: Curb materiel absorption. Stuff stuff and more stuff. Where does it end?

HisCheapMoves: Not for you, silly guests. For our media darlings.

Chill Gribbröek: I'm a-feared

Twotoneboy: Ah.

Twotoneboy:

Image - Jacksonbot
The entire face assembly removes for maintenance by pressing a hidden catch <i>here</i>.
Michael Jackson resolves to have ILM make him a new holographic nose that he can change daily.

HisCheapMoves: David Hasselhoff resolves to shift efforts from Baywaytch Reunion to KnightRider Prequel.

kittydeathstar: The Strokes resolve to stop hoodwinking poor mainstream rock critics and fuck off and go back to hand-modeling or whatever it is they did before....

Twotoneboy: Sly Stallone vows to make another comeback. UPN (or SOMEBODY) resolves to pick up Firefly!

kittydeathstar: Movie execs resolve to not release Daredevil.

Chill Gribbröek: bob hope makes it to Desert Storm 2

Twotoneboy: The creators of Enterprise vow to give up any pretenses and just have Jolene Blaylock naked every episode. Actually, Daredevil's supposed to be damn good. According to Kevin Smith, anyway.

kittydeathstar: Nope, the resolution is set!

HisCheapMoves: The RIAA resolves to prove the link between the Iraqi crisis and music piracy.

Chill Gribbröek: They discover oil in Iraq.

kittydeathstar: Christopher Lee resolves to live forever.

Twotoneboy: Keith Richards vows to realize he's been dead for three decades.

Chill Gribbröek: Jack Black and Jack White release Grey Album.

kittydeathstar: Swimfan is belatedly awarded 36 Oscars.

Twotoneboy: Swimfan?!?!?

kittydeathstar: Korn resolve to dress their age.

HisCheapMoves: Kreamed Korn by now.

Twotoneboy: You bag Daredevil sight unseen and then give love to Swimfan?!?!?

Chill Gribbröek: G-zus!

Twotoneboy: Nu-metal vows to admit it's not "nu." Nor is it "metal." Changes its name to "useless horseshit"

kittydeathstar: I resolved not to dignify broken sarcasm meters with a response...

Twotoneboy: Dude, Kitty, don't scare me like that!

HisCheapMoves: You know, if they'd spell it "Neu Metal", it would be an anagram of "lame tune".

kittydeathstar: Whoah.....

Twotoneboy: Ah, but that's still a misnomer -- no "nu-metal" "song" HAS a tune.

HisCheapMoves: "Meal Nut"

Twotoneboy: Publicists vow to stop harassing me about crappy records and only follow up on stuff that's actually worthy of my time.

HisCheapMoves: The nerve.

Chill Gribbröek: Paul McCartney IS the Beatles: Back In The U.N. Tour

Chill Gribbröek: Copies of the new Bruce Springsteen album will be sent to the middle east. France surrenders

kittydeathstar: Jimmy Fallon resolves to join Joe Piscopo in unfunny comic hell...

Twotoneboy: Spoken like someone that hasn't heard Fallon's album -- don't count him out based on SNL, which gives him little to do outside being the "cute one"

Chill Gribbröek: Horatio Saenz will justify his existence

HisCheapMoves: Look, Britney's star is descending... 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

kittydeathstar: Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Chill Gribbröek: An amalgam of Mike Myers and Adam Sandler... blech... send it back to the kitchen.

kittydeathstar: Preach!

HisCheapMoves: .. 6 ...

kittydeathstar: 5...

Chill Gribbröek: 4

Twotoneboy: 3

kittydeathstar: 2

Chill Gribbröek: 1

Twotoneboy: Playboy pictoral!

Chill Gribbröek: Beat you to the top of the bat!

kittydeathstar: ....And never brought to miiiiiind.......

Chill Gribbröek: In 2003, all things will be possible, but everything possible smells like ass.

HisCheapMoves: Here's to the cruel future! Damn that stinky nanotechnology.

HisCheapMoves: La la la hummm hmmm hmmm....

Chill Gribbröek: Disposable Cell Phones! Real cool! But smell like ass!

kittydeathstar: Auld Lang Syne!

Chill Gribbröek: Disposable PDA's! Ass smell!

Twotoneboy: Cue the Dick Clark-bot

Chill Gribbröek: Dick Clark Bot! Smells like ass!

kittydeathstar: Don your lampshades, all!

Chill Gribbröek: But he's real cool once you get around the smell.

kittydeathstar: Cheap bubbly all around, then......

Twotoneboy: Whose ass does it smell like?

Chill Gribbröek: Oh it's that general generic "smell like ass" smell

HisCheapMoves: I believe it's called "Phyllis Diller" So, thank you guests! We had a blast! We must do this again, once a year sounds about right. Now clear out and let us clean up.

Twotoneboy: Slappy New Rear! [has left this chat].

Chill Gribbröek: right-o [has left this chat].

HisCheapMoves: So, a couple of details while we toss the dishes out the window and empty the ashtrays...

kittydeathstar: There goesh my two beshtesht friendsh......

HisCheapMoves: A big shout out to our first UB groupie, jollygreensomething.

kittydeathstar: Cheers!

HisCheapMoves: And that recipe for Flaming Buttocks:

kittydeathstar: Tell!

HisCheapMoves: Start with a shot glass half full of Jaegermeister. Slowly fill to rim with Texas Pete Hot Sauce. Down in one go.

kittydeathstar: Lordy!

HisCheapMoves: The objective is to take a tray around and see how many people drink one before someone calls your bluff and makes you drink one yourself.

kittydeathstar: Fun for all, no doubt.....

HisCheapMoves: Indeed. Well, I've splashed the gas all over the place. Ready to torch run?

kittydeathstar: Let's do it!

HisCheapMoves: 3... 2... 1... see you in the new year!


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